Headmans Switch
by josiris
Summary: When you finally get what you want, will it be all you hoped for?


Title: Headman's switch.

Author: Jo'Siris

Pairing: Sam/Jack

Summary: When you finally get what you want is it all you hope for?

Category: Parody fic. Hopefully funny.

Rating: M

Disclaimer: The characters Belong to MGM.

"Aah, home sweet home." Jack muttered as they walked down the ramp in the gateroom. "Kansas never looked so good."

"I can't believe you tried to sell me!" Daniel whined.

"Oh pull your neck in Daniel. I wouldn't have sold you…the price wasn't high enough…I_ give you two camels for the pretty man"_ Jack mimicked the trader who had tried to buy Daniel.

"He called me pretty?" Daniel gloated.

"Yeah, but he offered me twenty for Carter!"

**Sam sighed. "I have to admit, Sir, I was a bit worried back there that we would never see this place again."**

"**Oh Carter, we did the time warp thing before. We got back then and we got back now; we're invincible. Though I have to say the captured and almost killed bit is wearing a little thin."**

"**And of course the temporal paradox of having changed the timeline and having an alternate version of ourselves with us…and who knows what else might have…"**

"**Ack! Enough. You know the temporals give me a headache. Hey that alternate version of you was a little…"**

"**Geeky?"**

"**I was going to say different, but geeky works." **_Austin Carter the scientist who shagged me. _**Jack thought to himself. … "If only…"**

"**If only what?" Sam asked. **

**Jack realised he hadn't meant to say that out loud. "Nothing."**

**Sam eyed him suspiciously "The other Daniel was weird though." **

"**When is he not? Any time, any place, any reality, weird!"**

"**I am here you know?" Daniel pouted. **

"**O'Neill is merely pulling your rope DanielJackson." Teal'c interjected. **

**Jack and Sam grinned. **

**Daniel sighed. "Yanking my chain, Teal'c."**

"**Indeed." Teal'c was smiling. Whilst Jack and Sam went into full-blown hysterics. Knowing full well Teal'c had made the mistake on purpose.**

**Daniel wasn't pleased. Since they gave Teal'c hair they also gave him a sense of humour and lines, which stole away from 'his' screen time. That had to stop.**

"**Come on people, let's debrief and go home. I for one have 5,000 year old sand in places you don't want to know about and want to have a hot shower." **

**Much later…. well not really that much- a couple of scenes later, and the guys are all showered and changed and ready to go home, as for some reason they had been told to go home for a few months until they had a new mission. Funny that seemed to happen every year and no one knew why. **

"**Carter!" Jack yelled, seeing her about to enter the lift- a lift that was conveniently empty considering the number of people on the base. "Carter, did you mean what you said back in ancient Egypt?"**

"**Erm… you mean back in that cell when we thought we were going to die?"**

"**No, when you got pissed at last years xmas party and said Thor was hot-of course what you said in the cell." Jack wondered how she could go from smart to dumb in sixty seconds.**

" **Yes, of course I meant it, but we can't do anything about it, we've signed up for another year of missions."**

"**Well you have, Carter. But as yet I haven't decided whether I'm coming back or not. Let's give the shippers an early Xmas present and go make out at my house."**

"**Yay cool!" Sam didn't need asking twice. Rumour was it she and Jack we're getting together anyway and hell she knew from fan fic that he would give her the most amazing orgasms.**

**They were kissing the moment they got out of the truck. Jack had to slap her hands away as she was groping him in broad daylight. "Sam slow down, I'm not as young as I used to be…" Tumbling through the door Jack had the good sense to direct them straight to the bedroom-time is money and all and film reel isn't cheap…**

**Sam was ripping at his clothes. Since meeting replicarter there was something decidedly more dominant about her. Not that Jack was complaining, but the way she was tearing at him he was half afraid that she would reach her hand inside of him and pull out his innards to get her lovin.**

**Her lips were on his neck, her hands delving inside his pants and his hands were finally on her breasts, when it happened.**

"**Cut…I mean stop."**

"**Stop? Are you kidding?"**

"**Not stop as in 'Stop', but stop as in 'whoah!' I have sand…up my…"**

"**I don't need the details! I mean, don't we always seem to get to a certain point and then it's cut…I mean stop?"**

"**Don't worry the shippers are used to it. Let me go shower again. You make yourself comfortable…" _in my bed. _"And I'll be back before you can say 'Where's My Jack?'"**

**Sam stripped off the rest of her clothes and draped herself on Jack's bed waiting for him to return. She closed her eyes and ran her fingers down over her breasts, then pinched her nipples, imagining it was Jack's hands. In her mind she was running her fingers through his silver hair, while he pounded into her welcoming body, all the while gazing into his dark soulful eyes. She felt the bed shift and smiled, it was finally going to happen. She opened her eyes and gazed adoringly into…piercing blue eyes!**

"**What the hell…who are you and where's MY Jack?" she screamed in horror. Rushing off the bed and making a grab for her clothes.**

"**Sam, I am Jack. I went in the shower and now I'm back."**

"**You're not Jack! Jack has silver hair and dark eyes. You have blue eyes and dark hair, and you look like…Daniel!"**

"**Who's Daniel again?..Oh I know, pretty boy, gets killed a lot. I think he's in for another 'unfortunate' accident this season. Can't have two pretty boys on base."**

"**You can't kill Daniel!" Sam exclaimed.**

"**So I've heard."**

"**This is not funny. WHERE IS JACK!"**

"**Don't tell me you didn't read your mission contract for next year before you signed it?"**

"**I read it! It told me Jack and me were going to have lots of hot monkey sex. That's WHY I signed it."**

"**That's funny. I signed mine because it said I got to have hot monkey sex with a cute blonde…you didn't see the clause on General appearance?"**

"**Erm…"**

"**Well baby I am the new appearance of the General!"**

"**So…you're telling me that after all these years, me and Jack get to 'do it' only it's not 'him' its YOU and you are now him, only you aren't really? Well that's fucked up...The shippers wont be happy with this."**

**Jack scratched his head. "Do you always come out with shit like that?"**

"**Pretty much, yeah."**

"**And who the hell are the shippers?"**

"**You'll find out." Sam snorted.**

"**Do we get to have sex now?"**

"**Not in this reality!**

**The end.**


End file.
